I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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