my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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