Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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