Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
