Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
