do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
