Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
