And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
