Where is the hickey?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
