remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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