Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
