Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
