The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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