it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did I show you my penis last night?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
