24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
