first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
