Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
