I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
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In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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