My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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