totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
