So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
