Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
