Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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