There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
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This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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