It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Apparently you make a good broom.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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