I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
