Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
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The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.