I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dating After Heartbreak
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.