mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
