you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
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