did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
