Me too!
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
