All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
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I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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