JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
