just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
