My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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