Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown