dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"