Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just threw up on my dentist
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Shame is for Republicans.
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