Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
