Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If its not for food we ain't going out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
