So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
