well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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