you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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