Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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