Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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