Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
