people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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