ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
