There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
