I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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