Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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