I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
