what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
