Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
